Greetings and salutations!
Welcome to JD’s 18th Annual “Backed-up-paddy-wagon-mackin’-on-the-cats-ass-just-answer-the-question-Claire-I-wanna-be-a-cowboy-and-you-can-be-my-cowgirl-I-got-rabbits-and-hankerchiefs-and-ladies-of-the-pole-drinking-Black-Label- that’s-a-great-story-now-take-off-your-shirt-and-somebody-said-fair-warning-Lord-strike-that-poor-boy-down-I-don’t-know-I-can’t-figure-it-all-out-tonight-sir-I’m-just-gonna-hang-with-your-daughter-bumpin’-an-grindin’-like-a-slow-jam-I-was-born-to-love-you-I-was-born-to-lick-your-face-I-was-born-to-love-you-but-you-were-born-to-love-me-first-freak-it-funk-it-backseat-trunk-it-word-to-your-moms-I-came-to-drop-bombs-and-then-my-penis-exploded-and-killed-everybody” Viva La Ruckus.
Before we move forward, I feel it’s my moral obligation to let you know that we’ve been know to “work blue” at times when creating the Ruckus. While he’s not officially my attorney, lawyer, counsel or anything law-related at the current time, my good friend D. Francis Kertz, Esq. has advised me that writing any sort of legal disclaimer without a lawyer is generally a terrible idea. Or something like that…I can’t remember his EXACT wording as I was busy eating tacos while reading his email.
Regardless, I’ll say this: If you’ve got a weak constitution, are currently or have been considered prude at any time in your life or are one of those people who frequently use the phrase “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer” on a weekly basis – this is where you get off the ride. No hard feelings, I promise. Please GTFO and take it on down the road.
Now that we’ve got the pseudo-but-not-really-legally-enforceable legal jargon covered, let’s keep it moving.
Um, because you’ve got nothing better to do and every other basketball pool you’ll be asked to join this year sucks balls. And not in the good way. That’s why. If that’s not enough, peruse the testimonials we’ve racked up over the past 18 years. They’re really quite impressive:
2004 :: JSW’s Pops (Washington, MO) – “Whoever wrote this thing is a fucking idiot.”
2005 :: My cousin, Moonie C (Midlothian, VA) – “I went to your website and read it. You are a menace. I am SO calling Homeland Security on you.”
2005 :: Sweet Dee MacDonell (St. Louis, MO) – “I briefly visited your site. I have many important things to do over here…I don’t know if you know this, but I’m a pretty big deal. People know me. I have many leather bound books and an apartment that smells of rich mahogany. That being said, I like the website. You are twisted.”
2006 :: Heather Ligamus (Norf County, St. Louis, MO) – “I just finished reading your website and all I can say is this: YOU NEED JESUS!”
2009 :: JSW’s Pops (AGAIN) (Washington, MO – via voice mail) – “Julie, it’s Dad. I’m calling about stupid little friend’s basketball pool e-mail. You tell that idiot that he’s been playing with his tallywacker too much to come up with this stuff.”
2008 :: My good friend Nicola Steinberg (Chicago, IL) – “Um, I checked out your website and IT’S DIRTY!”
If you don’t want to accept that I don’t know what else I can do for you, friendo.
Who’s Welcome To Play?
I’d say just about anyone, but that not exactly the case anymore. Back around 1998 or so we were forced to implement the “No P in our ool” rule, on account of shenanigans perpetrated by the Napoleonic Patron Saint of Jacklegs, Steven P. Cook.
So please – feel free to invite family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. However, it is your moral and I’m-pretty-sure-legal obligation to NOT invite anyone who could be considered the human equivalent of a flaming bag of dicks. They’ll just ruin it for everyone, trust me. If you’re having difficulty determining whether someone is or is not a flaming bag of dicks, odds are they probably are.
What Do I Do?
I’m not sure what kind of fresh Hell the ESPN-pleasing maroons over at NCAA Headquarters have whipped up for us this year, but the overarching idea here is to pick one (1) team to win each game until you only have one (1) team left. It’s a simple enough concept that has stood the test of time. Except when the aforementioned moneygrubbing jacklegs at the NCAA thought they’d try and expand the tournament to 65 or 68 or whateverfcuking number they’re up to these days.
However, we here at Viva La Ruckus HQ me ne frego what the NCAA says: we will continue to recognize 64 teams and 64 teams only.
Should you need a little pep talk before you start picking teams, we’ve got you covered.
In order to participate, you’ll need to willingly donate $10 for each bracket you enter – and you’re welcome to (and slightly encouraged to) enter as many brackets as you’d like…keeping in mind each bracket will incur the aforementioned $10 donation.
And in traditional Viva La Ruckus fashion, the “Dook Tax” remains in place with a slight rate adjustment for 2013. To clarify, the “Dook Tax” states “any participant dumb enough to pick Dook to win the entire tournament shall be taxed an additional two (2) dollars per donation.” The tax has increased by a buck this year and if I’m being completely forthcoming, we considered forbidding the selection of Dook altogether this year. Perhaps we’ll roll that out for our 20 Year Anniversary in 2015.
Donations can be submitted via PayPal to email@example.com or you can get me cash, both due upon registration. If you don’t do PayPal or prefer alternate means of donation transactions, shoot me an email and we’ll figure it out.
Clarification: donations are due upon renewal and no later than Thursday, March 21st or we reserve the right to cancel your entry and drop you from the Ruckus…and we REALLY don’t want to do that.
How Do I Become the Viva La Ruckus Grand Champion?
For every game you pick correctly, you acquire points. The more points you acquire, the better you do. Should you end up with the most points of everyone participating in JD’s 18th Annual Viva La Ruckus after the final game on April 8th, you shall be crowned JD’s 18th Annual “Backed-up-paddy-wagon-mackin’-on-the-cats-ass-just-answer-the-question-Claire-I-wanna-be-a-cowboy-and-you-can-be-my-cowgirl-I-got-rabbits-and-hankerchiefs-and-ladies-of-the-pole-drinking-Black-Label- that’s-a-great-story-now-take-off-your-shirt-and-somebody-said-fair-warning-Lord-strike-that-poor-boy-down-I-don’t-know-I-can’t-figure-it-all-out-tonight-sir-I’m-just-gonna-hang-with-your-daughter-bumpin’-an-grindin’-like-a-slow-jam-I-was-born-to-love-you-I-was-born-to-lick-your-face-I-was-born-to-love-you-but-you-were-born-to-love-me-first-freak-it-funk-it-backseat-trunk-it-word-to-your-moms-I-came-to-drop-bombs-and-then-my-penis-exploded-and-killed-everybody” Viva La Ruckus Grand Champion and be subject to all the benefits and luxuries commensurate with said title.
Now before you start spending all your luckily won donations on needles and guns, there are a few things you need to know:
- As we’ve discussed previously, there is no second place…sorry, we’re not running a “Yay, everybody participated! Kimmy’s mom brought juice boxes and orange slices for everyone!” kind of operation here.
- Exactly one half (ie: 50%) of the collected donations will find it’s way to your responsible tax-paying hands. Notice I said “responsible tax-paying hands.”’
- The other one half (ie: the other 50%) will be split and donated between the Jeanine Nicarico Memorial Literacy Fund, in honor of my wonderful neighbor Jeanine; and the Surfrider Foundation, in honor of the first hero I ever had, Sean Martin Kelly. All joking and shenanigans aside, these foundations are doing wonderful work and need continued donations so they can keep doing said wonderful work. Please check them out when you have a few moments.
JD’s Tiebreaker Extravaganza!
Have you heard the phrase, “Second place is the first place loser?” We’re big proponents of that philosophy here at Ruckus HQ and as such, there IS no second place. Or third place. Or any other place. Ties are for suckers and have no place in Ruckusville, which is why we abide by JD’s Tiebreaker Extravaganza to break all ties.
You are hereby required to answer the following JD’s Tiebreaker Extravaganza questions and submit them to Ruckus HQ no later than Monday, March 25th at 3:43 PM Central Standard Time, North American, Northern Hemisphere, Earth. For the record, we’re not exactly looking for the 100% correct answer (although it would help)…feel free to take a little creative license when crafting your answers as a little humor could go a long way if you catch my drift.
Should you, for whatever reason, decide this exercise is stupid or you’re too busy and important to take 12 minutes out of your life to answer the following questions, you immediately forfeit any and all claims to any of the collected donations on account of your own stupidity. For the simpletons out there – it means you don’t win dick.
- Question 1 :: Aliens land on Earth and threaten to blow it up the same day you win $5 million dollars. What do you do?
- Question 2 :: Explain to me why anyone would willingly listen to Nickleback. Support your argument through interpretive dance.
- Question 5 :: What was my 5th Grade girlfriends name?
- Question 6 :: In the 80’s John Hughes classic “Sixteen Candles”, what is the name of the school bus company?
JD’s Tips & Whatnot
- No 16-seed has ever beaten a 1-seed, but given the chaos filled regular season…anything could happen this year.
- Apologies to my Mizzou pals, but the ‘Zou has no business being anything higher than a 12 seed. They’ll be lucky to win a game at all seeing as they’re not in the friendly confines of the house that Paige Laurie built Mizzou Arena.
- Hi, Chris McGuire? Your new Zubaz-inspired Adidas uniforms do not provide “distinctive on-court style”. They provide a platform for everyone to discuss when and why Adidas hired Helen Keller to design basketball uniforms.
- In the words of the immortal Ty Webb, “A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.”
- Hi, Cincinnati, Kansas, Notre Dame, UCLA and Cincinnati? You don’t look ridiculous, you look ricockulous. Seriously. Have some pride, man.
- I’m not going to lie…little bummed that UConn isn’t in the field this year as they’ve always been a favorite of those of us at Ruckus HQ. Luckily for us, ‘Cuse, VCU and Michigan State should figure prominently in the Sweet Sixteen…I’ve got a feeling Sparty is gonna go HAM all the way to Atlanta.
- As much as I’d love to see a Mizzou/St. Louis U. showdown – and frankly, I’m shocked the NCAA had the stones to put them in the same bracket – ‘Zou ain’t gonna make it that far and should pigs fly out my ass and that scenario actually happen…I think SLU mops the floor with them.
- Kate Beckinsale. Just because.
Registration & Bracket Completion
Step 1: Click here.
Step 2: Make sure you have a Yahoo Username & Password. If you don’t, go get one and start over on Step 1.
Step 3: Click on the “Join A Group” link.
Step 4: When asked for the Group ID and password, use the following information and click Continue:
- Group ID :: 57286
- Password :: beckinsale (case-sensitive)
Step 5: Select “Create A New Bracket” and complete the following fields/info:
- Bracket Name: This is where you enter a witty, creative and/or sarcastic name for your entry. Do NOT, under any circumstances, enter something lame like “Jenny’s Bracket” or “I Love Hoops” lest you be mocked and judged for having a creative personality on par with a bag full of smashed assholes. (WARNING: Anyone incorporating “Kardashian”, “Honey Boo Boo” or Jersey Shore-related content into their Bracket Name shall be subjected to an additional $7 fee tacked on to their donation. And no, I’m not even kidding.
- Email Address: Enter the e-mail address you check most frequently here and before you ask…yes, you need to check the box that allows others in the group to see your e-mail address. Listen, I know some of you out there are trying desperately to cling to your online “privacy” but let’s be honest: that ship sailed long, long ago. The truth of the matter is that I need this information so I can keep track of you should you conveniently forget to either submit your donations or Tiebreaker Extravaganza.
- Preferred Time Zone: This one’s pretty explanatory, unless your name is Dria Dei Santi Long story short, don’t take advice from her when it comes to Time Zones.
- Tournament Pick’em Terms of Service: You can’t play in Yahoo’s sandbox without this, so just check it and move on.
- Yahoo $10,000 Fuckery: Play it, don’t play it…I don’t really care. Just hurry up and finish registering already, would you?
- Once you click “Submit”, you’ll see your Bracket Name appear under the Overview, Standings, Message Board & Members navigation. You’ll need to click on your Bracket Name to access the actual bracket format .
- From here on out, it’s pretty self-explanatory…you need to click on one team per game until you only have ONE team left in the National Finals box.
- Despite the fact that it has absolutely ZERO bearing on who becomes Viva La Ruckus 2013 Grand Champion, you are required by the Yahoo Gods to enter a Final Score Tie-Breaker. Should you decide you’re too good for this or just figure this is no big deal, feel free to call my old pal Jules and ask her what happened the year she picked the winning team and forgot to complete this step. Spoiler Alert? She was NOT roughly $415 richer at the end of the tournament. True story.
- FINALLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY – you must, must, must complete your bracket in full (ie: confirm you have chosen a winner for EVERY game) no later than Thursday morning, March 21st at something like 9:00 AM Eastern Standard Time. I’m only about 74.3% confident on that time but you should be able to read through Yahoo and figure this out on your own. I mean – I’ve held your hand this far, how about you buck up and cross the finish line on your own?
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Considerations? Feel free to e-mail JD at Ruckus HQ.
Thanks for coming – please don’t forget to tip your wait staff, try the veal and enjoy the musical stylings of After The Fire.